Finding my happy....

What does it mean to be happy?
Does it mean you had a good hair day? Does it mean you found your shoes in the dark while your husband is sleeping and you're psyched that they matched? Does it mean your kids haven't argued with each other all day? Does it mean a stranger held the door open for you or someone waved a thank you when you let them in front of you in traffic?


I've been grappling with the whole "be happy" thing for a while now...at least the last year. Those things I just listed make me happy - they make me smile and have warm fuzzies...and they go away.


I have this warped idea that happy people are happy all the time...they don't get sad or upset, they are just happy shiny smiley people...is that even true? I used to be like that....I really had awesome days all the time...I don't know exactly when that stopped....but it has.
I have a job that changed soon after I promoted into it and this is not what I expected it to be...I had no purpose. Seriously - I would sit at my desk for 8 hours with nothing to do. My hour long drive was soon met with tears on the way and I lost the idea of being happy altogether...and I'm finally tired of being what I now discovered I am - depressed. I lost my drive to workout. I lost my drive to laugh and find the positives in everything like I used to...I was really good at it! Like annoyingly good at finding the good...I have since found it's easy to be sad. It takes work to be happy. I was tired of trying. I didn't feel like I had a purpose. Yes, I do have the wife and mom role which is a wonderful purpose - however, when you're at work for 10 hours (driving an hour each way and 8 hours at my desk), which is essentially more than you are awake with the family, the depression took over...


There are days where I don't want to get out of bed. Like really - I just want to stay there and sleep, mope, read a book, sleep some more, cry and eat some lunch. Have I ever done that? Nope. I get up, I feed the cats, the dogs, the kids, myself - in that order - I rush off to work, sit at my desk with very little purpose (root problem here), come home, do homework with the kids, dinner, wonder why bedtime is still a process, tuck in my kids and then I sit down and remind myself I get to do it all again tomorrow. I am thankful I have a job, don't get me wrong. I have worked for Travis County for 23 years this February and I can retire in November 2020. I am happy about that!!



I always thought it takes a strong woman to juggle the working mom thing and it does...it's tough to miss out on the kid's Thanksgiving school lunches and field trips. I could say, "for what? what is worth to work and miss that time with them?" Well, it's worth the paycheck so they can eat, have clothes to wear to school, and we can have fun family weekends. I have two fantastic kids who are respectful and respected, so I don't think my having a job is making life terrible for them. Just typing that makes me feel okay now. Yes, I could take a day off for them and I do and I have, yet I also have to save my hours for family vacations in the summer. I am thankful Chad, my husband, works 3p - 1am and his days off change, so he is usually the cool dad that makes those school events...he's an amazing dad and husband - that's for sure a happy in our world!


So typing those bigger things and letting the world know I have been depressed gives me some satisfaction to finding my happy again. I am certainly nowhere near a martyr...I don't want sympathy. I know I am not the only mom who feels this way. Maybe there are moms who wish they didn't have to stay home. I am finding my purpose at work...I am making my own purpose at work...which I am finding makes it even more satisfying than being told what I need to get done...I'm just doing it myself.


Thinking people need to be happy all the time is unrealistic to me. I don't see how that can happen to people, because things happen that aren't fun - days can be exhausting, moments can be exhausting, having a memory pop up out of nowhere can be exhausting - those can come and go in a matter of seconds.


In a constant movement of self discovery, I will use my seconds to find my moments to fill my days with positives. The other day, I bit into a girl scout thin mint...holy crap...yay for taste buds changing! They were great! Haha!!
I ran my fourth half marathon the other day - I am proud of me!!
I'll take the sadness that will creep in - I miss my dad in amounts no one will ever understand and it can slam into me out of nowhere...I will be bored to tears at work...I will be frustrated with a late tuck-in of my forever stalling 9 year old (he totally gets it from me)...and I will find the happy that I had my dad in my life for 39 years and was with him until his very last breath; I will find something to do at work; and I will embrace those extra minutes with Greyson until he lays his peaceful little head on the pillow.


I'm going to find my happy.  :-)